Parenting From a Distance Can Be Tricky

Audio By Carbonatix

Parenting is a fascinating journey. It travels the road from spending every minute of your life caring for your children to just passing them every now and then in the hallway to eventually dropping them off at their own place. It’s not easy when they move to the adult stage of life. Instead of parenting from the front seat, you have to parent from a distance. You don’t even get to be in the car most of the time.

When I talk about parenting from a distance, however, I don’t mean miles. I’m referring to mentally distancing myself by recognizing I don’t need to be involved in all of the day-to-day activities. Three of my four children are in their 30s, which means if you combine all three, Jane and I have parented for more than 120 years, even though we’re not that old. Although parents take steps throughout the years to teach their children independence, it’s still hard to let go.

Think back to when you taught your children how to ride a bike. Maybe it was last week and maybe it was many years ago. Remember how you held on to the back of the bike for a while and ran alongside them. Then, when you thought they were ready, you let go and held your breath. With one child, your timing was perfect and they rode off down the street into the sunset without falling. With the other child, they fell over after only a few balanced seconds and you had to repeat the same steps again while you wiped some tears.

The same concept applies once your kids get older. You’ve held onto them long enough and now it’s time to let go. It seems to me many parents have a hard time making this transition. They want to parent their adult children as though they were still a kid. They can’t let go of the bicycle seat. Instead of helping them learn to ride their bike, they keep their kids dependent on them by never letting go.

I’m not saying it’s easy, but I’d like to offer some simple steps that I’ve taken to get myself through this transition.  

First of all, when I’m talking to my adult children about issues that involve them making a decision, I mentally remind myself that they’re not looking for me to make their decision. They’re just exploring some outside input, which I try to offer to them as I would a friend.

Secondly, make sure that you realize if your kids aren’t coming over or calling as often as you would like, that they may be experiencing a separation phase. I know Jane and I try to give some distance – especially for our adult children who are more independent and need their space – by not dropping in on him unannounced. It’s a way that we are sensitive to their time and space and don’t want to just invite ourselves over.

The third thing is to be willing to face and accept things about yourself that your kids point out in a respectful way. If they comment that perhaps you are hovering too much, understand that they love you but want to make their own decisions. And sometimes, that even includes their own mistakes.

I know how hard it is to let go, but your children will never be able to achieve balance in their lives if you don’t release your hands.