It Takes Two to Tango

Audio By Carbonatix

I have met with many couples over the years to discuss marital disagreements. In almost every situation, it’s not just one person that is the problem. I don’t care if one person owns about 99% of it, that other person still needs to at least acknowledge that 1% belongs to them. I can understand, too, how if you are the person with just 1% liability, you would be eager to see your spouse start working on their 99% first because they have more to work on. But I would say that what makes a marriage work is each person owning and taking responsibility for the things that belong to them, regardless of how their spouse is acting.

Of course, I’m not suggesting that you should leave yourself in a vulnerable situation where you might be physically hurt, but you should certainly be willing to have a soft heart when it comes to issues that would make your marriage better. What percentage of a current problem could you own today that might be beneficial in helping the two of you tango again?

And when I say “tango,” I’m actually referring to dancing together. Most likely, when you saw the title of the article, you might have thought “tangle” would have been a more appropriate word since I’m talking about arguments. But I’m saying “tango” as in the dance. I want the two of you to dance again. Maybe the first step is you owning a percentage of whatever problem you are dealing with today.

Deep down, I don’t think anyone likes to be wrong or to hurt someone they love. That’s why our first line of defense in a disagreement is generally to deny fault or refuse to take the blame. I think it’s an instinctive reaction. I know when my kids were young and something accidentally broke in the house, I often heard a chorus of voices singing, “Not me.” It’s typical for children to be apprehensive about admitting any wrongdoing for fear of the consequences. They want, more than anything else, to please their parents.

I think the same is true for spouses. I think their guilt about hurting someone they love leads them to try to justify their actions or abstain from accepting responsibility. They try to minimize the effect of their actions by explaining away their part in it.

It takes two to tango because this dance cannot be performed by just one person. Just like resolving an argument can’t be accomplished by just one person taking all of the blame. When couples begin to recognize this, they will experience more joy in their relationships and start dancing more often at home.